Wij can only guess they’re hoping that you’re spil creepy spil them.

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So you’ve got to the point te life where online dating is an option. If you’re single, then you’ve most likely had the ‘Hey, you should give online dating a go – my best friends met online and now they’re MARRIED!’ conversation at least merienda.

Wow, they make it sound so effortless! You used to think online dating wasgoed for weirdos but everyone’s doing it! Surely this is just part of being an emotionally-mature, rational grown-up? Wij can all live our own version of Hookup and the City!

Sure, there’s a slight chance you’ll meet a crazy person. But you’re a sensible, street-wise, adult human being with common sense. This WILL work.

Here’s what happens next.

You will write at least one of the following on your profile: ‘I’m fresh to this, so here goes…’, ‘I like cuddling up on the sofa and watching a DVD’, ‘My friends say I’m…’ or ‘My friends and family are significant to mij.’ Then you’ll delete those and stick with: ‘Will pack this bit ter later…’ before skipping to ‘Upload your photos’.

Evidently this is a thing. Depending on which webpagina you’re on (and if you’re on anything with ‘adult’ te the URL, then you’ve only got yourself to blame) you might have a few people who think it’s ok to send you nude photos. Wij can only guess they’re hoping that you’re spil creepy spil them. If you are, then you’ve won – if not, then we’d like to draw your attention to the ‘block’ button.

Trio. A message from someone you actually like (otherwise known spil: false hope)

Among the ‘Welcome to your account’ messages from the webstek (and the aforementioned naked photos) there will eventually be an email from someone who floats your boat/rocks your socks/shifts your pancake. Well done! You’ve reached level three.

Now to write back (with something witty, clever but nonchalant, obvs) and secure number four…

So you’ve actually done what you set out to do – you’re going on a real-life date! This is actually working! Do they look like their profile picture? Now you know. If they’re a terrible person, there’s only one thing to do – fall into a fuckhole te the ground.

Yes, all your friends say you’re good looking, slim and funny. The last person who dumped you said they thought you were ‘great’. Why wouldn’t someone want to date you? But you can’t win them all, and some of your messages might go unanswered, no matter how long you spent writing them. Sorry. Everyone gets them, so don’t take it personally. Speaking of which…

Wij said everyone gets rejection, and sometimes that rejection will come from you. And sometimes the reject-ee will get mad, whether you’ve met them or not. Again, don’t take it personally. Wij did warn you there might be some crazy people.

Screw it. What’s so bad about meeting people te caf anyway? You’ve got stuff to do. This stage normally starts after enough bad dates that it’s actually becoming a waste of time. Are you being too picky? Are you not being picky enough? Is there something wrong with your profile? Worse, is there something wrong with you? No way to tell, so might spil well just… abandon.

Turns out there is something wrong with meeting people ter kroegen: it doesn’t work. And the dating webstek have sent you a few emails enticing you back – time to give this one another go. You never know…

You’ve bot on enough bad dates to work out how to get out of them quickly, and you’ve stopped staying on bad dates just for the sake of it. After all, you’ve come to terms with the fact that the other person is very likely spil bored spil you, and will thank you for providing them an excuse to leave. (Professional peak: stay for one drink and then say you haven’t eaten yet, so you simply vereiste go and have dinner right now. At huis. And not ter this tapkast, where they sell caf snacks.)

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